Secure and spend time with a mentor

Why? Because typically they’ve had some experiences which may be valuable in helping you shape your career. You may have a really supportive line manager but what the mentor can do is take a step back and talk bigger picture. Mentors are focussed on the future and supporting you in finding ways to develop yourself without the prejudice of past performance ratings or the blinkering effect of what you do day to day in your job currently. If there’s someone in your field outside your organisation who’s a source of inspiration or a model of what success means to you, approach them too. Why? Because they’re going to be able to give you an even broader perspective on your career and put you in touch with people and ideas you may not have got elsewhere. Letting your line manager know something of your mentoring relationship sends a strong signal about your desire to progress. Perhaps you came across someone during Christmas party season who could take the prized role of being your mentor? And finally, if you’re in an organisation where there are few women leading the way upwards,  a respected, open-minded male mentor could be more useful than a female.

Make time for extra-curricular activities

Whilst we’re on the theme of Christmas parties (if you’re pulling a face I understand – you’re one of masses of working parents who’d really rather not go there. At all) there’s a feeling among career development specialists that this sort of extra-curricular stuff can be really valuable. I’m one of them. Forget drinking to the hilt, late nights, missed trains home and photocopying your bottom (did anyone really ever do that except in cheap office sitcoms?)  because I know you probably don’t want to do that anyway. The next time a work social comes up think ‘couple of hours’, ‘meet people I don’t usually’, ‘talk to that person who might have a role for me’, ‘find out what’s going on in other teams’ and if you’re currently on maternity leave ‘show my team I’m intent on coming back.’ You don’t have to stay long or late at any professional social, just being there sends a signal and could deepen or broaden your connections. I know there’s a tension with home life but where there’s a will there’s a way.

Secure a stretching assignment

People at the top of the organisational tree have typically experienced many stretching assignments throughout their career – a move out of the comfort of the business function they’re trained in or a period overseas or turning around an under-performing part of the organisation for example. What may be even better than asking for such an experience is to identify something yourself and pitch for it. (Have a peek at pages 57-59 for the psychology of asking for what you want). A mentor could help you identify what a suitable stretch assignment could be and if yours is a parent, may be able to offer some guidance on how they marry up work and family life. If you’re shuddering at the thought of a stretch assignment and don’t want to go anywhere near the top of a tree (save for perhaps staying home and building something akin to what John Mill’s achieved in the 1960 Swiss Family Robison film) your response is valid; not everyone wants this – man or woman, parent or non-parent. If you do want to go beyond the role/level you’re currently at then signal that desire often is a way to keep any fusty-thinking colleagues from assigning you to the ‘mummy bench.’

I wanted to keep this post relatively short so I’m going to skip briefly through two other ways to show your team you’re still a player – ask for specific feedback on your performance (if you weren’t botherd about progressing you wouldn’t have asked) and secondly it really does pay to be productive during core hours then go home. There aren’t many prizes for presenteeism.

COACHING FOR YOU

As ever I’d be delighted to hear from you – whether that’s to say a quick hello or to start a conversation about how coaching can give you a boost. About half of my clients pay their own coaching fees and the other 50% secure funding from their organisation or other sponsor. I’m always happy to approach clients’ employers with a coaching proposal that explains the benefits and sets out the what, how, where and when. You may be interested to read our Compelling Case for Maternity Coaching paper – free to download from the site.

Motheringly Yours,

Jessica

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I’ve got a build and refurb project going on at home at the moment and last week as I stepped over some paint

splattered newspapers in the doorway of my son’s new bedroom I noticed an article about why it pays to blow your own trumpet at work. I hadn’t seen the feature before – it was the builder’s newspaper, not mine – and I wondered why and how I was suddenly paying more attention to it than the quality of the decorator’s work. Then it came to me: I’m hosting a talk come workshop for the female employees of an IT company at the end of January. The company recognises their male/female ratio is well below the industry average of 35% and that there is work for them to do around boosting their female talent’s career progression. I’m one part of this IT company’s strategy to retain and develop talented women and my brain had noted that a feature about how to put yourself forward at work could contain other interesting fodder to weave into my commentary on the night. Oh brain how clever you are.

Psychologist Richard Wiseman writes in his book Did you spot the gorilla? (about spotting and making use of all the opportunities that are in abundance around each and every one of us every day): “The key is to prime your brain with the types of opportunities that you wish to encounter, or the problems you want to solve, and then allow it the time and freedom to scan your surroundings for possible openings and solutions.”

So what can this snippet of science do for you? First off, it’s suggests that if we know what we want the world will conspire to help us achieve it. ‘World’ may mean our private, unconscious minds or also the people around us if we choose to tell them about our aims as well.

Secondly, whatever your line of work it often pays to start thinking about a problem or a challenge a few weeks before you need to deliver the finished product. In my case the ‘product’ is often a talk or a workshop. In your case it might be a series of a lesson plans, a courtroom strategy, a TV format, a magazine feature or a funding application. “Thinking” in my case usually means bringing to mind some semblance of what the finished product will look/feel/sound like and then I step away from the challenge and let my ‘unconscious’ mind work on it and bring goodies to me, like the paint splattered newspaper article.

Let me leave you with a couple of quotes and just for fun drop me a line with your guess at who they come from:

“In the fields of observation, chance favours the prepared mind.”

“Oh there’s a lot of opportunities if you know when to take them, you know? If there aren’t you can make them.”

Flourishing yours,

Jessica

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Being a scientist at heart and a psychology-based coach in practise I’ve been in search of evidence to support the idea that sometimes giving up on our goals is good. You don’t need to know the detail of my time on Google Scholar but suffice to say I couldn’t find one scrap of academic support for my position. Nonetheless I think there ARE times when giving up on a seemingly positive course of action is a smart move and here are four.

When you can apply yourself better elsewhere

Years ago my husband wrote a business plan and thoroughly investigated premises and suppliers to open a top end chocolate shop near where we live. It looked like a good course of action and one we could easily have got married to given our romantic notion of working together. Reality bit when we compared annual rent and rates on the shop with what Nick could earn in I.T. We decided to rubbish this plan. You might say that decision was vindicated when Hotel Chocolat opened a year later 200 metres from when our outfit would have been. Or you could say we should have persevered  and enjoyed the success that H/C has. With hindsight I’m pleased we quit.

When you’ve changed and the goal is nolonger relevant

At 22 I aspired to a double-fronted Georgian house and a yellow BMW Mini. I started saving from my first post-graduation pay packet and kept pictures on my desk to keep the goal alive. Now in my 30s and still squirreling away it’s the thought of driving a classic old red Mini Cooper that makes me smile (completely affordable but not practical with two children) and I’ve relinquished the Georgian reverie because I’ve grown-up and realised that for me and my family it’s location, location, location – not the external look of a property – that counts.

When someone else can do it better/faster/more easily/more willingly

How many times do we carry on with an effortful task because we’ve said we will or because our self-worth or professional credentials are wrapped up with it? I love having a crack at new things but will willingly pass the baton on when I realise all my effort is going into keeping me afloat rather than moving me forward. (I’m of the view that honesty and self-awareness are admirable qualities and will be seen as such by whomever I’m engaging when I want to give up). I meet a lot of people managers in my work and those that hit targets and have a glowing team around them recognise what their team can do better than themselves – and let them do it.  Perhaps there’s a drag or a drain at work or home (I’m thinking processes and tasks not people here) that someone else could pick up and run with instead of you? Think of it as development for you both.

When what you’re doing isn’t working

One well known definition of madness (an out-dated and politically incorrect term if ever there was one I grant you) is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If what you’re doing isn’t working, you need to change your approach. Easier said than done I know but in my experience small tweaks can be massively effective in changing the outcome. Just think about the power of a smile and a touch to bring a friction-ridden relationship back into soft focus.

What’s your view on when giving up is a good idea? How do you decide? Leave a comment on the ‘blog or drop me a line in reply.

I have a large inkling that you’re an intelligent woman and don’t need me to reiterate that perseverance is probably the better strategy in life. I’m not suggesting it’s beneficial to give up just because you feel like it (that’s often the worst reason to quit) or because something is difficult (the buzz will be even bigger when you’ve accomplished it) or because the goal is taking too long (imagine life pre internet and iphone when delayed gratification was part of normal, human existence). What I’m saying is that there are times when it’s appropriate to quit and because you’re a woman of thought you’ll know when to give that some thought.

LET’S MAKE IT PERSONAL

When I’m in need of help, support and advice my first port of call are my trusted friends. I’m sure you have those people in your life. My work is slightly different to that of a friend in that I’m without prejudice and vested interest in the decisions you make. Many of my clients come to me in times of transition and I’m here for you, your colleagues and other women folk in your life when tailored 1:1 time is what any of you need.  Sometimes a single coaching experience with me makes all the difference. Do drop me a line or give me a call on 01727 856169 and we can find a time to talk, plan and work your best way through it.

In a change to the usual this month’s newsletter was not inspired by evidenced based research. In fact, it was rather the opposite.

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1. 700,000 women are ‘stuck’ in part time work despite wanting to do more hours
2. Women’s unemployment is costing the UK economy up to £21B/year in lost skills
3. 5000 business mentors promised for female entrepreneurs

My thoughts on this are 1) wow, this is refreshing: women seemed to have struggled for so long to get PT work. Of course, when she stays ‘stuck’ this conjurs up grim thoughts of women having to do work that’s beneath them because YES we ARE still struggling to get quality part time work. Or are we? I haven’t made time to read the report from the Government Equalities Office “Quality Part Time Work: A Review of the Evidence” yet – if you have or get there before me, do let me know the answer.

On point 2) I can well believe this. Staggering, staggering. But does every woman with all these skills actually WANT to be using them? Some women really do want to be at home, nurturing their families and actively CHOOSE to do this full time. They don’t want a pathway to the board or even to return at the level they were before children. That said, even just one woman at home banging her head against a Lego brick tower whilst dreaming of work, is too much of a waste for me. I think we need to get better at putting ourselves forward as well as looking to the Government to provide incentives to businesses to help more women get back to work.

3) Hmmm, mentors can be powerful but really I’d rather the Government chopped a huge part of my childcare bill to allow me to get on and grow my business. Perhaps that’s because I’ve grown a great circle of support around me.

What do you think? What do you want the Government to open it’s purse for?

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Keep Your Eye on the Prizes

The number one perseverance tactic for job hunters is to keep your head up and your eyes open scanning for prizes. I know from experience that literally keeping your head up, as opposed to gazing at the ground, gives a better performance on the running track and psychology Professor Richard Wiseman has shown that what separates ‘lucky’ from ‘unlucky’ people is the ability to notice things or spot opportunities (he demonstrated this in a study showing how people who view themselves as lucky or unlucky differentially spotted and responded to adverts placed in a newspaper when they were asked to complete an unrelated  task using said newspaper. Fascinating stuff!)  It helps to believe there are several roles out there for you which means never fixating on one thing but staying open to possibilities beyond what you’ve done in the past or think may be right for you in the future. Keep looking and asking “how could that role work for me?”

Get Your Drummers Drumming

Whether you want to slim from a 16 down to a skinny jean size 10; become your firm’s first female finance director or save 30% of your earnings for the next three years you need to shape up your ‘psychological environment’. The people around us can have a staggering impact on our proclivity to keep going with something. Life is better in the company of radiators and in times of struggle they are essential. We need people who’ll bolster us, remind us it’s possible and that the effort will be worthwhile. When it comes to people power, one or two solid, unswerving pals beating their drums every single day until you’ve reached your goal far exceeds the benefit of having fifty friends on Facebook who might pop up now and again to say ‘thinking of you, keep going xxx’ – ultimately we need people actively conspiring with us and if you’d like some ideas on how to change the balance of radiators and drains in your life do leave a comment on this post and I’ll come back to you.

Do What You Can, Forget the Rest

People who believe the outcome of a difficult situation is at least partly in their control will persevere for longer. Sort out which bits of the situation you can direct and which bits you can’t then put your oomph behind the former and let the latter fade into the background. For instance if you’re persevering with setting up a business enterprise whilst still in employment you can control how you express your endeavours to others (present what you’re doing in a slick, secure way and you might attract support – financial or otherwise – from people around you); how fast or slow you drive your business and how much time you spend on it outside ‘work’ hours . At the other end of the control spectrum there’s little you can do about the competition or their products. There are other things, such as whether a business angel decides to back you, that fall somewhere in the middle. Prioritise what you can control and keep going in the knowledge that YOU are shaping your world. How powerful a motivator is that?

Naturally there’s more to say about how to persevere and I’m here for you, your colleagues and other women folk in your life when tailored 1:1 time is what any of you need.  Sometimes a single coaching experience with me makes all the difference. Do drop me a line or give me a call on 01727 856169 and we can find a time to talk, plan and mastermind your way to the prize.

So what of Victoria? We’re meeting this week for our first coaching call and we’ll be back on BBC 3 Counties to talk about her journey back to work very soon.

This month’s Flourishing Female column was inspired by both Victoria from a town in Hertfordshire and The Luck Factor by Richard Wiseman.

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Managing and rebuilding post mat leave confidence is a subject we could write a book on or at least a chapter (see chapter two ‘Keep in touch and ask for what you want’ of my book Mothers Work!) never mind a simple, short newsletter. However, I’m going to give you three things to play with if you’re game because I think confidence is a huge part of recruiting and retaining mothers.

If you’re currently on maternity leave

Reframing is a powerful technique to take back control – instead of focussing on how you’ve been at home for seven months doing things completely unrelated to your job, imagine you’ve had a role on a Guatemalan pigeon farm (or some other nonsense that’s equally far removed from your usual career. So if you are in fact a zoo keeper or travelling vet then imagine a year out managing the trading floor of a Japanese bank in Tokyo ). Somehow I can’t imagine you’d be feeling apprehensive and/or telling yourself silly stories about how you’ll never be able run a client meeting, write a marketing plan or convince a colleague just because you’ve pressed pause to do something different for 40 weeks. Maternity leave is a career break plain and simple (OK, yes I know it IS different but we’re REFRAMING here) and seeing it as such can give you a boost. You absolutely CAN do everything you did before and it’s surprising how easily it comes back and sometimes you’re better than you were before. Fact. Please quote me on it.

If you’re already back in the saddle

More feedback please! We all need to hear we’re doing things well and to get a nudge when we’re not operating at our best. If you’re being a doubting Thomasina about your abilities it’s time to pin down three things you think you’re not doing as well as you used to and get feedback from people who know. When you get your rational mindset on, chances are you won’t be able to find three things. If on closer inspection you do need to tweak what you’re doing and how you’re doing it, ask for some suggestions on what it would take to boost your performance. What does great look like? How wide of the mark are you? What’s different about your approach now compared to the pre-kiddie era? Be brave, ask for feedback and if it’s glowing please, please please accept it graciously like a confident woman does and if it’s developmental, act on it.

If you’ve taken a substantial amount of time out

We’re all changed by having children regardless of the length of time taken out of work. If there’s a twinkle in your heart about getting back into what you were doing before children, start talking to friends and past colleagues who are still in the industry. Making that connection, expressing your desire is the first step to making things happen. And believe me, things can happen if you tell the world you’re back and want to start exploring. If you want to change tack, my plea is that you’re honest with yourself about why. I’ve met many women who are doing or talking about doing something completely different for reasons they’re not always honest about. Confidence does return and when it flows so too might your frustration at being over-qualified and under-stretched by your new role. Of course, it’s fair to say there are lots of career-shifters who are flourishing because of it.

Thinking back to the lady at the Credit Suisse seminar whose friend had been ‘out’ for eight years. “So how quickly did you start feeling that you couldn’t do it?” she whispered to me as the first speaker took to the stage. “A couple of months” I replied. “A couple of months?!” she echoed with incredulity. “I know, it’s ridiculous,” I said “but it’s the truth – now you can perhaps see what’s going on for your friend. But look, I’m back and that didn’t take very either – I even wrote a book about it. Perhaps that’s a story you could share with your friend.” “Yes, I will, have you got a card?” she said deliberately and with a look of deep thought.

Client Success Story

A maternity comeback client of mine whose coaching fees are met by her employer told me how she’s astounded by how moved she’s been by becoming a mother. She didn’t expect it and couldn’t have guessed at how deeply she loves her son and wants to be with him. Nonetheless her career is a central part of her identity and she’s the main earner so she’s definitely heading back. A gem from our meeting last week that I wanted to share is her decision to go for a promotion when she returns. In her words: “I left with an excellent rating and if I’m going to leave him for ten hours a day it’s got to be worth it. I’ve got to capitalise on that performance rating.” Atta girl.

I’m here and happy to have a chat about how you can make the smoothest return to work and onward journey through working motherhood. Many of my clients are financially supported by their employer to help them build their capability and manage everything that’s going on at this crucial transition phase. We talk about the whole thing that’s on your plate – colleagues, expectations, family, husband, sleep, performance development, emotions.

Maternity Leave Survey – Prize for Julia

you completed the Maternity Comeback Survey that we ran July – September thank you very much indeed. We’ll be producing a report to share in December. The £25 incentive for recruiting the most participants goes to Julia Fuller from Thomson Reuters – Julia, do drop me a line and let me know your preference for Amazon or M&S vouchers.

Come and meet me in Manchester 8/11/11

The team behind the Working Mums Live event have asked me to speak at the one day event they’re holding in Manchester on Tuesday 8th November. Tickets are free and at the time of writing 80% of the spaces for the seminar I’m hosting on how to make flexible working work for you and your employer, 10.45-11.45am, have been booked. See the Working Mums website if you’re interested or have a friend in that neck of the woods who might fancy it.

Motheringly Yours,
Jessica

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In this month’s Flourishing Female column (which first appeared in September’s Flourishing Female newsletter) I’m serving up some food for thought on how you can make more of a job that isn’t your ideal. Whether you’re an aspiring barrister currently working as a City barrista or a frustrated full time finance controller in a flat structured organisation (or somewhere in between) here are five ideas to help right now:

More Job Love Tip #1
BELIEVE THERE’S A BENEFIT

When I took a place on the marketing stream of a bank’s grad scheme I (naively) thought I’d be writing copy and designing adverts at the City HQ. Instead I started off miserable and startled in a business banking branch and couldn’t wait to get out. Ten years on and that stint has proved invaluable to me every time I coach or facilitate groups of customer facing staff. It’s given me credibility and insight and quite possibility the edge over other coaches who could have been asked to do the work I’m currently doing with the Belfast bank staff. What future uses might there be for the things you’re doing now? Can you see – or how can you make – a link between elements of your current role and where you want to go?

More Job Love Tip #2
CONNECT WITH PEOPLE YOU MEET

I was being flippant with the barrista come barrister scenario since most of my readers are a fair way into their careers, but if you were that woman imagine all the city types you’d be talking to every day that could be a link into chambers. Thinking about Jo, the Irish waitress, I was ready to offer her a job on the strength of meeting her over the course of starter, main and pud. She impressed me. Who do you come into contact whose network you could tap into?  Who could you ask to shadow in the next few months? (yes, shadowing is something you can do as a 30 or 40-something). Who’s in the office next door to you? Who’s that person sitting on the plane next to you – introduce yourself.  I bang on all the time about the importance of listening but in this case, letting people know what you do and what you’d like to do next helps people pull pieces together and perhaps slot you into something that wouldn’t ordinarily have been advertised.

More Job Love Tip #3
EXPLORE WHAT’S AROUND YOU

Many women I’ve coached are open minded about what their next role is. If this is you or you don’t really know what you want – but know it’s not what you have right now -exploring what’s around you is a great place to start. Is there a sideways move you could make? Perhaps you’ve been in a meeting with someone who seems to have an interesting job – have a coffee with them, find out what they do. Is there something not being done by your team that you’re interested in and could be weaved into your work to stretch you? This might be something linked to outwitting the competition; something to make a system or process slicker or an activity that improves your colleagues’ work experience.

More Job Love Tip #4
TACKLE THE LITTLE IRRITANTS

Add up every small annoyance in a job (which may very well be short people although that wasn’t what I had in mind) and it can bring you to the point of feeling you have no other option but to cast it aside and start again elsewhere. But imagine the most no-nonsense, cut-to-the-chase person you know looking at your job from their perspective. What wouldn’t they tolerate? What would they do about it? If you can change the small irritants: for example a quiet office where people keep themselves to themselves; a culture of presenteeism; no working from home; flabby meetings that perpetually start late and run over and so on, you may just find more job love.

More Job Love Tip #5
MAKE DOWNWARD COMPARISONS

If all else fails think about all the worse jobs you could be doing for less satisfaction, more clock watching and reduced pay and pension.You’ve probably got it pretty good right?

LET’S MAKE IT PERSONAL

There are of course other approaches to getting more job love and increasing performance. This being a newsletter and not a 1:1 coaching meeting I’m limited in my ability to talk directly to you. If you’d like to have time with me to work out how you can manifest your desire to be in another role/organisation/field I would be pleased to hear from you.  Many people I work with have coaching fees paid for by their organisation and I’ve been told I’m a great value proposition.

And what of Jo (the Belfast waitress)? I told her what a great job she was doing and tactfully asked about how she’d come to be working here and where she might go in the future. She told me she’d been in marketing, had taken a gap year to travel and when she’d returned there wasn’t a marketing job in sight.  ”It’s a tough market just now and I could do this job without a smile and all the chat but it’s better for me and my customers if I do.” What a great woman. I tipped generously, told her boss he had an asset he should do something more with and left wistfully thinking about her just deserts.

This month’s Flourishing Female column was inspired by Jo and “Up is not the only way” by Beverly Kaye and Caela Farren, 1996.

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Sometimes it’s not so much the work or mothering bit of ‘working motherhood’ that needs our attention but the other part of our dynamic duo. So this month, with my mistaking of the Proms for a hot Saturday night, I’m shining a light on how to help our sexual relationships thrive.

The final mantra in Mothers Work! is “Do what it takes to thrive” – here’s a snippet:

As well as sumptuous dinners and delicious weekends, there’s an excellent, easy, free thing you can do every day to keep your relationship thriving: positive talk. Sex works as well, for sure, but feeling a daily obligation is definitely a passion killer. Heaven help any woman whoever put love-making on her to-do list.

Marital stability expert and psychologist John Gottman has analysed the behaviour of thousands of couples (gay and straight) and found it’s possible to predict with a high degree of accuracy the relationships that will survive and those that will end, by the ratio of positive to negative comments that pass between them. The magic formula is 5:1 in relationships that last. What’s also telling is the way a couple argues and resolves conflict…

And if you liked that, here are three more ideas to stoke the fires of love and sexuality in your homes:

1) Showcase your affection in front of the children

It’s often said men get pushed into the periphery of their wives’/partners’ affections when they become parents. Seeing a mother and father cuddle, embrace and hold hands in public is a beautiful sight, especially for their offspring (even in the teenage years when they may say outwardly that’s embarrassing it provides reassurance that the core of the family is strong). Now could be a great time for you to up the amount of these things you do and even make a point of putting your partner higher up the pecking order.  For instance, my husband makes a point of kissing, hugging and asking about my day before giving the children this depth of interest and affection when he comes home.

2) Do schedule it in, but only in your own mind

Although I suggest leaving sexual and sensuality off your to-do list it’s worth thinking about how and when foreplay and sex is going to happen each week. As working mothers we know it’s very easy to neglect any need or desire that isn’t hanging off your trouser leg pleading for it to be done right this minute (we never want to get to that with our partners unless it’s part of some kinky fantasy that pleases you both). Anticipation greases the wheels of desire and guides you to a place where you both feel wanted, attractive and bound together. Those who play together, stay together so the saying goes.

3) Go away for the night or stay at home minus children

When you find yourself standing on luscious velvet carpet in a room that’s fresh and ordered and you gaze upon a bath big enough for two and a king size bed bedecked with fluffed up pillows in crisp white linen, strange things can happen. Order a couple of glasses of Champagne and they’re guaranteed to happen. Grab a copy of Mr & Mrs Smith or head to www.tripadvisor.co.uk and go for it!

Back in our home the birthday cake got decorated mid-afternoon (a jaundiced, evil-looking ladybird) and we missed the Proms in favour of our own fun. Afterwards I finished Caitlin Moran’s “How to be a woman.” I recommend both, although probably with your husband, not mine.

Champneys & Mothers Work! Evenings

Champneys has asked me to collaborate with them and we’re hosting a couple of Mothers Work! evenings on Tuesday 19^th September in Enfield and Monday 26^th September in St Albans both 6-8pm. I’m hosting the talk and discussion whilst the therapists will be doing mini facials for all and demonstrations. There’ll be 50% off future treatments booked on the evening too. What’s not to like, apart from perhaps having to wangle someone’s diary to look after your children so you can get out the house? Look forward to meeting you (again) there. Personalised, signed copies of Mothers Work! on sale during the evening. To book call 020 8363 7994 (Enfield) or 01727 864893 (St Albans).

Maternity Leave Experiences Survey

Here at The Thinking Woman’s Coach we’re evolving what we do to reflect the needs and wishes of professional women returning to work after children. To do this we need stats, data and opinions and we’re asking women currently on maternity leave or who have returned to employment within the last two years to complete a survey about their experiences. There’s a £25 incentive for the person who ‘recruits’ the most survey respondents. The survey is open now until the end of September. Thank you in advance for taking part and forwarding it to your colleagues and friends.

Motheringly Yours,

Jessica

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In chapter three of my book,  Mothers Work! I say that equality isn’t dividing things down the middle; it’s an attitude. Equality is when you both recognise the need and see the merit in deciding together how you can best manage the totality of your lives. So how do you cultivate this liberating approach? I have three suggestions for you to have a crack at:

1) Empower your partner – ask his opinion and act on it

Think about how you feel when a colleague you respect asks for your view or pointers on how best to do something. It puts you in the driving seat, makes you feel important and involved. Now apply that logic to your partner and consult him on matters related to the children.Try putting these questions or other more relevant ones to him: How will we work out the best childcare solution?  How are we going to manage the house when I’m back at work? What are we going to do about Tommy’s behaviour? If he guffaws and rhetorically retorts “how should I know?” or something of that ilk then press on with a smile and “I want to know what you think, I’ve got an inkling you’ll come up with something I haven’t thought of.” This is the first step in a partner realising they have a part to play and can add value. When you get a useable response take a sizeable chunk of his idea (if not all of it) and have a go with it. Better still, suggest how you could both set about implementing it. I suspect David Cameron would be delighted to offer up an opinion on anything other than the state of the economy and our fractured society right now.

2) Cultivate capabilities that are his speciality not yours

My husband became master bather of our baby from the beginning of parenthood. It was a discrete experience that could be his alone without any recourse to me, especially since he was the first to be shown when we were still in the hospital. He did it well and I frequently told him that but was careful to avoid thanking him for his help because after all, caring for our son was and still is a joint responsibility. What aspects of your family life could become his charge? Researching holidays? Taking Tabitha to Tumble Tots? Inventing weaning combinations? Pick up on what he does well and reinforce it by commenting on it and how it helps keep your lives ticking along nicely. When it’s clear who ‘owns’ a task it cuts out the need for nagging for help which brings me onto point number three.

3) Divvy up domestic chores; let him crack on as he sees fit

If equality is an attitude it doesn’t make sense to divide domestic chores down the middle, especially if you are in the home more than he is as the majority of mothers are. However, if you look at the sum total of your lives – that’s including work responsibilities – if you’re still contributing significantly more than he is, it’s time to whip out the family organiser and look at what it’s reasonable for you to drop and him to pick up. Once agreed who’s doing what you really ought to have the common decency to let him carry out ‘his’ jobs the way he thinks best. Our husbands are not monkeys and there’s nothing more irritating than a nit-picking micromanager. In our house this means if Nick cooks, I get out of the kitchen.

Have a go at these three things and notice how less of the thinking and doing falls to you over the weeks and months. Incidentally, I discovered via Wikipedia (my oracle), the irony of mothers being seen as The Oracle:  in classical antiquity only one was a woman, the rest were men. Ridiculous!

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