Best age to have a baby

Now here’s a question only a provocative journalist (is there any other kind?) or a desperate pre-child control freak intent on maximising her life choices, would ask. A more useful question is how to make the best of your age when baby comes along. In a Yorkshire Post piece on older motherhood in March I reflected that there’s probably a significant upside career-wise: “The chances are you have established yourself in your chosen field and there is a feeling that you will be able to return to what you were doing without much complication because you are seen as an asset to your organisation.” The average age of first time motherhood is nearly 28 (ONS date from all births in the UK in 2010) and rising – perhaps because of our increasing desire to keep pushing on up at work – but I’m not interested in averages because I’ve never coached an average woman. What I’ve found really matters when having children is that parents have shored up sufficient practical, emotional and financial support to allow the mother to have the easiest and most enjoyable time possible on maternity leave (as a starter for ten).  Women – the key to all of these things is to ask for what you want in plenty of time, before baby arrives. Planning is a wonderful thing.

Ideal length of maternity leave

We have the right to a year’s maternity leave yet if what the papers are saying is true, women are heading back earlier as they need to put bread on the table. There’s an obvious joke in there somewhere about staying home to make it but women and bread-winning is no laughing matter. Returning to my shades of grey quip earlier, I firmly believe the ‘ideal length’ is so ridiculously personal and wrapped up with many other factors that it’s an impossible question to answer generically. There will undoubtedly be a right length for YOU but not one that fits everyone. For me and the clients I’m working with, factoring in our feelings and what’s going on in the world around us has been enormously helpful in coming to a decision. Positive reasons for going back earlier than planned:

• You’ve had enough of being at home
• There’s a professional opening you’re keen to take advantage of
• Your ideal childcare arrangements have materialised earlier than planned
• Your return would on balance alleviate (financial) strains on the family
• Your team is clamouring for you to come back and you’re missing them too
• You feel pleased at the thought of returning and, crucially, you’re getting enough sleep

There may be good reasons for staying off longer than planned and usually that’s a more sensitive issue than going back earlier. For that reason I’m not going to address that in a mass e-mail.  The key thing is to keep your employer in the picture and if any desire to stay at home stems from feeling you can’t do it, I can help find you the massive ego trip – amongst other things –that would be useful to you at this point.

Impact of increasing ‘working’ hours

Like the frog in a pan of water that gradually gets heated to the point that he boils alive (yes bizarrely, frogs will not jump if the temperature changes slowly) over the last year the number of hours I work has increased yet I’ve carried on trying to do everything I did when my professional life was less.  Oh silly me and yes I’ve got a grip on it now or rather I’ve loosened my grip on domesticity). If you’re making a considered choice to up your working week you’ve got an advantage over me and the frog: you know you’re doing it and can change the way you run the rest of your life to take account of it. Five things my clients have found it useful to do before making the leap up at work are:

1. Recognise what bits of personal/domestic fluff they haven’t got time to do anymore (you know what these more or less pointless but very personally satisfying things are that you do) and let them float off into the ether in the way all good fluff eventually does.
2. Remind themselves that there are still plenty of opportunities to have lovely, cost-free moments with each of their children every week. I say ‘moments’ because it’s the little slices of time that say ‘I’m completely, utterly focussed on you at this moment in time’ that matter more than anything else.
3. Work out how they’ll continue to exercise, eat quality food and do other things that keep them thriving because without our physical and mental health we’re nothing – and we get into that awful, awful place where holidays are what we live for rather than the everyday.
4. How they can re-shape the domestic landscape. It may mean doing less; paying someone else to do more; letting standards slip but always, always, always having a discussion with other adults in the house about the need to re-evaluate who does what and how often. Good conversations start with “As I’m going to be working more, how do you think we can keep our life ticking over as well as it has been….PAUSE, PAUSE, PAUSE.”
5. Have a future-focussed conversation with their line manager sharing how they see the increased hours panning out. We’re talking broader responsibilities, how this fits with her future career aspirations and any other important factors such as home working.

COACHING FOR YOU

As ever I’d be delighted to hear from you – whether that’s to say a quick hello or to start a conversation about your return to work. About half of my clients pay their own coaching fees and the other 50% secure funding from their organisation or other sponsor. I’m always happy to approach clients’ employers with a coaching proposal that explains the benefits. You may be interested to read our “Compelling Case for Maternity Coaching” paper too.

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I listened to a riveting BBC radio 4 podcast recently in which Peter Day (a business journalist if you don’t know him) had a conversation with Reid Hoffman, the co-founder and CEO of LinkedIn. Click here if you’re curious (or want to be more so) and scroll down to 3/3/12, ‘Start-Up of You’. In it the very likeable and laidback Hoffman talks about going for dinner with people we think are smart, people we can learn from. Nowhere was the word ‘mentor’ mentioned (I suspect far too formal and over-egged for a guy who hangs out in California’s Silicone Valley) and it got me thinking about how much richer we could make our professional lives and our personal lives if we had a cup of tea and a thirty minute chat with someone we admire. (Tea comes as standard when clients come to my space, I’m sure it fuels success).

As we all know, one good thing can and often does lead to another and before you know it you could be starting a business on the side, stepping into a secondment or winning a medal for goodness knows what. When I think back to how my book writing adventure started it was a cup of tea on my son’s bedroom floor with a stranger. And no, I wasn’t exposing myself like that!

Whose orbit would you like to enter? Whose mind would you like to tap into? You could doodle some names now. Pop them on a piece of paper and let your mind brew. If the people on your list are mega busy and don’t know you from Adrianna you might have to be creative about how you get some time with them – who knows them in your LinkedIn network for instance? Other than that most people have had their egos sufficiently tickled by you saying “I admire what you’re doing, can I buy you a cup of tea and hear how you’ve done…” to say yes without hesitation.

Something else made me want to write about exposing ourselves this month and it was reading Ben (C) Fletcher and Karen Pine’s new book  Flex. They talk about openness, being willing to try new things and where it gets us in life. There’s a story I loved about Ben deciding to broaden his musical taste by listening to anything that other people thought were great. Not just what his friends and academic colleagues think is great, but anybody.

I like that.

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Failing’s tough, especially when you’re young and so much of the ego is wrapped up in what people think of us and how we compare to others. But if we don’t fail when we’re young what hope do we have of cultivating a healthy attitude to failing as we get older and there’s a greater need to put ourselves about, try new things and give things a go (I’m thinking job applications and wider career success here).

I got to thinking philosophically (oh how much Earl Grey tea and a winged armchair has to answer for) about what failure is and whether we can ever say we’ve failed until we get to the end of our lives. Surely a ‘failing’ is simply one more step along the way to whatever we do next. Without that ‘failing’ we might never have got to where we are today. And here’s the big thought I had about my own life: am I failing enough? What a whopper of a question, time to put the kettle on again and crack open the chocolate ginger biscuits. I’ll let you know when I’ve got a clearer picture. Oh but no, I can’t leave you dangling like that.  In all seriousness I don’t think I am and that’s not meant to sound conceited, it’s an acknowledgement that I’m not taking enough risks in my work to be as successful as I think I can be and others assume I will be. As Edward De Bono once wrote “if you think every idea is a good idea, you’re not having enough.” I think the same is true of success and failure: if you’re successful without failing, you’re not succeeding enough.

As a coach careful questioning is at the heart of what I do. I often ask women to think about what’s the best that could happen if they gave X, Y or Z or go. And then what’s the worst they could possibly imagine. I’m sure you can imagine that generates a lot of ideas and from there we plot a course of action. There’s another question I’ve often asked which is ‘What would you do if you knew you wouldn’t fail?’ and although it too acts as catalyst for great ideas to come pouring out, I’m not sure if I like it given my recent mind wanderings. What do you think? I’m curious to know.

Were you wondering what did I said to the journalist? I’d like to proclaim I spouted a lot of profound and practical ideas but the truth be told I can’t remember given everything that was going on around me (one child balancing in a tree, the other whacking her head on the new kitchen worktop – the joys of getting to know a new house). I can remember one thing though: praise the girls for giving things a go, rather than the outcome. There’s so much truth in that for all of us.

Have an experimental sort of a start to spring,

Flourishingly yours,

Jessica

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The Triple Burden: Bad Behaviour, Broken Heating and a Burgeoning Workload?

I have turned to writing to stave off the tears prickling behind my eyes. For the second time this week I have lost my internet connection, my son is refusing to go to school, I have taken on more work than I can realistically do without losing sanity and jeopordising family relations and to top it off we have no hot water.

Let’s deal with these in turn. The first time I lost my connection to the information superhighway my husband had been digging in the garden close to the Virgin cables. It became apparent that we have lost touch when my computer screen fails to find red pesto on www.sainsburys.com and to cut a long story short we go without the internet (and our Sainsbury’s delivery) from Sunday – Tuesday. I am not impressed but I get over it, look for the silver lining (no pressure to respond to e-mails and no distraction from Twitter) and spend more time with my children. Today I am not prepared to get over it because I have a stack of work I need the internet for and I really can’t face another 2 hour phonecall  ping-pong marathon with an offshore call centre. In short I am ready to weep.

It’s at this point I text my husband to have a small moan. I can see him at his comfy desk getting on with the interesting clever things he does totally unaware of my plight. He does not know of the battles with our children this morning. He hasn’t had to coax our son to school; the son who was really, really excited about starting Reception on Tuesday but who now says he doesn’t like all the different teachers (he has two who job-share but now a third has appeared) so doesn’t want to go. And who can blame him when powerful captains of industry won’t entertain women jobsharers? Neither has my husband had to drop his daughter at the childminder with tears in her eyes (I know she gets over this very quickly so am not dealing with guilt on that front as well this morning). And my husband certainly hasn’t had to worry about getting dirty school uniform or sort out what we’re eating for lunch and dinner.

Then I remember something I read whilst researching my book on working mothers: The Triple Burden. What I’ve told you about my life is the ‘triple burden’ in action – women earning, looking after the children and getting on with the domestic stuff. I don’t claim to handle the triple burden without moaning or occasionally sniping at my husband but I do get on with it as so many women do all across the world every day of the year. To all of you I say, you deserve a medal.

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Blooming Nora ladies where did it go wrong in the last seventy years? Is it because we’re now working more than we ever did and not spending so much time with our lovelies that the thought of having a holiday without them is something to be enjoyed in private and not publicly shared for fear of castigation? Well I’ll tell you something. When our children were 2.5 years and 6 months old we upped sticks and fled to the warmth of Dubai for four whole nights without them to celebrate my 30th. (At least that was the excuse I gave to my mother-in-law. Quite frankly milestone birthday or no birthday at all I’d had enough of breast-feeding through a winter of two discontented small children and I needed to replenish my reserves before I auctioned myself or them on ebay).

So what’s my point? Holidays with the family are great but sometimes a holiday alone or just with our partner is even better and more necessary. I’m mailing you about breaks away because this is traditionally the time of year when people make holiday plans for the year ahead – unless you are one of those superly-duperly smashing parents who bagsy the best Cornish cottages as soon as they go on sale in September the year before. Damn you for getting there before me!

We’ve made it away at least once a year just the two of us since our son was one and it’s something I really, really look forward to. This year it’s two nights in the West Country for my birthday in March and it’s the prospect of dancing to my own tune for 48 hours without interruption that makes the whole affair so darn appealing. I think we all have to have down time and I’m not sure how much quality down time any of us get unless we’re completely removed from the possibility of having to take care of someone else.

Some other friends are just back from three nights on the slopes in France for the first time since their son was born five years ago (because she didn’t think her parents would be up for taking charge of the kiddies) and the grandparents coped so well they’re game for looking after the children again next year. Whoop, whoop! The lesson? Ask and your would-be babysitters might say yes. Don’t ask and they certainly won’t. If you have any more reservations just lie back and think of Enid Blyton. Seventy years ago mummies and daddies didn’t think twice about bundling their sproggs off so why should we? We’ve got iphones, Skype video-conferencing and YouTube now – let’s use this so-called life-enhancing technology to give us a proper life enhancing experience!

Until next time, happy holiday hunting and if you’re after some family bolthole suggestions I can happily recommend Martinhal in Portugal and The West Bay Club on The Isle of Wight not least because they’re absolutely super for having fun with the children but they have great spas too.

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Secure and spend time with a mentor

Why? Because typically they’ve had some experiences which may be valuable in helping you shape your career. You may have a really supportive line manager but what the mentor can do is take a step back and talk bigger picture. Mentors are focussed on the future and supporting you in finding ways to develop yourself without the prejudice of past performance ratings or the blinkering effect of what you do day to day in your job currently. If there’s someone in your field outside your organisation who’s a source of inspiration or a model of what success means to you, approach them too. Why? Because they’re going to be able to give you an even broader perspective on your career and put you in touch with people and ideas you may not have got elsewhere. Letting your line manager know something of your mentoring relationship sends a strong signal about your desire to progress. Perhaps you came across someone during Christmas party season who could take the prized role of being your mentor? And finally, if you’re in an organisation where there are few women leading the way upwards,  a respected, open-minded male mentor could be more useful than a female.

Make time for extra-curricular activities

Whilst we’re on the theme of Christmas parties (if you’re pulling a face I understand – you’re one of masses of working parents who’d really rather not go there. At all) there’s a feeling among career development specialists that this sort of extra-curricular stuff can be really valuable. I’m one of them. Forget drinking to the hilt, late nights, missed trains home and photocopying your bottom (did anyone really ever do that except in cheap office sitcoms?)  because I know you probably don’t want to do that anyway. The next time a work social comes up think ‘couple of hours’, ‘meet people I don’t usually’, ‘talk to that person who might have a role for me’, ‘find out what’s going on in other teams’ and if you’re currently on maternity leave ‘show my team I’m intent on coming back.’ You don’t have to stay long or late at any professional social, just being there sends a signal and could deepen or broaden your connections. I know there’s a tension with home life but where there’s a will there’s a way.

Secure a stretching assignment

People at the top of the organisational tree have typically experienced many stretching assignments throughout their career – a move out of the comfort of the business function they’re trained in or a period overseas or turning around an under-performing part of the organisation for example. What may be even better than asking for such an experience is to identify something yourself and pitch for it. (Have a peek at pages 57-59 for the psychology of asking for what you want). A mentor could help you identify what a suitable stretch assignment could be and if yours is a parent, may be able to offer some guidance on how they marry up work and family life. If you’re shuddering at the thought of a stretch assignment and don’t want to go anywhere near the top of a tree (save for perhaps staying home and building something akin to what John Mill’s achieved in the 1960 Swiss Family Robison film) your response is valid; not everyone wants this – man or woman, parent or non-parent. If you do want to go beyond the role/level you’re currently at then signal that desire often is a way to keep any fusty-thinking colleagues from assigning you to the ‘mummy bench.’

I wanted to keep this post relatively short so I’m going to skip briefly through two other ways to show your team you’re still a player – ask for specific feedback on your performance (if you weren’t botherd about progressing you wouldn’t have asked) and secondly it really does pay to be productive during core hours then go home. There aren’t many prizes for presenteeism.

COACHING FOR YOU

As ever I’d be delighted to hear from you – whether that’s to say a quick hello or to start a conversation about how coaching can give you a boost. About half of my clients pay their own coaching fees and the other 50% secure funding from their organisation or other sponsor. I’m always happy to approach clients’ employers with a coaching proposal that explains the benefits and sets out the what, how, where and when. You may be interested to read our Compelling Case for Maternity Coaching paper – free to download from the site.

Motheringly Yours,

Jessica

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I’ve got a build and refurb project going on at home at the moment and last week as I stepped over some paint

splattered newspapers in the doorway of my son’s new bedroom I noticed an article about why it pays to blow your own trumpet at work. I hadn’t seen the feature before – it was the builder’s newspaper, not mine – and I wondered why and how I was suddenly paying more attention to it than the quality of the decorator’s work. Then it came to me: I’m hosting a talk come workshop for the female employees of an IT company at the end of January. The company recognises their male/female ratio is well below the industry average of 35% and that there is work for them to do around boosting their female talent’s career progression. I’m one part of this IT company’s strategy to retain and develop talented women and my brain had noted that a feature about how to put yourself forward at work could contain other interesting fodder to weave into my commentary on the night. Oh brain how clever you are.

Psychologist Richard Wiseman writes in his book Did you spot the gorilla? (about spotting and making use of all the opportunities that are in abundance around each and every one of us every day): “The key is to prime your brain with the types of opportunities that you wish to encounter, or the problems you want to solve, and then allow it the time and freedom to scan your surroundings for possible openings and solutions.”

So what can this snippet of science do for you? First off, it’s suggests that if we know what we want the world will conspire to help us achieve it. ‘World’ may mean our private, unconscious minds or also the people around us if we choose to tell them about our aims as well.

Secondly, whatever your line of work it often pays to start thinking about a problem or a challenge a few weeks before you need to deliver the finished product. In my case the ‘product’ is often a talk or a workshop. In your case it might be a series of a lesson plans, a courtroom strategy, a TV format, a magazine feature or a funding application. “Thinking” in my case usually means bringing to mind some semblance of what the finished product will look/feel/sound like and then I step away from the challenge and let my ‘unconscious’ mind work on it and bring goodies to me, like the paint splattered newspaper article.

Let me leave you with a couple of quotes and just for fun drop me a line with your guess at who they come from:

“In the fields of observation, chance favours the prepared mind.”

“Oh there’s a lot of opportunities if you know when to take them, you know? If there aren’t you can make them.”

Flourishing yours,

Jessica

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Being a scientist at heart and a psychology-based coach in practise I’ve been in search of evidence to support the idea that sometimes giving up on our goals is good. You don’t need to know the detail of my time on Google Scholar but suffice to say I couldn’t find one scrap of academic support for my position. Nonetheless I think there ARE times when giving up on a seemingly positive course of action is a smart move and here are four.

When you can apply yourself better elsewhere

Years ago my husband wrote a business plan and thoroughly investigated premises and suppliers to open a top end chocolate shop near where we live. It looked like a good course of action and one we could easily have got married to given our romantic notion of working together. Reality bit when we compared annual rent and rates on the shop with what Nick could earn in I.T. We decided to rubbish this plan. You might say that decision was vindicated when Hotel Chocolat opened a year later 200 metres from when our outfit would have been. Or you could say we should have persevered  and enjoyed the success that H/C has. With hindsight I’m pleased we quit.

When you’ve changed and the goal is nolonger relevant

At 22 I aspired to a double-fronted Georgian house and a yellow BMW Mini. I started saving from my first post-graduation pay packet and kept pictures on my desk to keep the goal alive. Now in my 30s and still squirreling away it’s the thought of driving a classic old red Mini Cooper that makes me smile (completely affordable but not practical with two children) and I’ve relinquished the Georgian reverie because I’ve grown-up and realised that for me and my family it’s location, location, location – not the external look of a property – that counts.

When someone else can do it better/faster/more easily/more willingly

How many times do we carry on with an effortful task because we’ve said we will or because our self-worth or professional credentials are wrapped up with it? I love having a crack at new things but will willingly pass the baton on when I realise all my effort is going into keeping me afloat rather than moving me forward. (I’m of the view that honesty and self-awareness are admirable qualities and will be seen as such by whomever I’m engaging when I want to give up). I meet a lot of people managers in my work and those that hit targets and have a glowing team around them recognise what their team can do better than themselves – and let them do it.  Perhaps there’s a drag or a drain at work or home (I’m thinking processes and tasks not people here) that someone else could pick up and run with instead of you? Think of it as development for you both.

When what you’re doing isn’t working

One well known definition of madness (an out-dated and politically incorrect term if ever there was one I grant you) is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If what you’re doing isn’t working, you need to change your approach. Easier said than done I know but in my experience small tweaks can be massively effective in changing the outcome. Just think about the power of a smile and a touch to bring a friction-ridden relationship back into soft focus.

What’s your view on when giving up is a good idea? How do you decide? Leave a comment on the ‘blog or drop me a line in reply.

I have a large inkling that you’re an intelligent woman and don’t need me to reiterate that perseverance is probably the better strategy in life. I’m not suggesting it’s beneficial to give up just because you feel like it (that’s often the worst reason to quit) or because something is difficult (the buzz will be even bigger when you’ve accomplished it) or because the goal is taking too long (imagine life pre internet and iphone when delayed gratification was part of normal, human existence). What I’m saying is that there are times when it’s appropriate to quit and because you’re a woman of thought you’ll know when to give that some thought.

LET’S MAKE IT PERSONAL

When I’m in need of help, support and advice my first port of call are my trusted friends. I’m sure you have those people in your life. My work is slightly different to that of a friend in that I’m without prejudice and vested interest in the decisions you make. Many of my clients come to me in times of transition and I’m here for you, your colleagues and other women folk in your life when tailored 1:1 time is what any of you need.  Sometimes a single coaching experience with me makes all the difference. Do drop me a line or give me a call on 01727 856169 and we can find a time to talk, plan and work your best way through it.

In a change to the usual this month’s newsletter was not inspired by evidenced based research. In fact, it was rather the opposite.

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1. 700,000 women are ‘stuck’ in part time work despite wanting to do more hours
2. Women’s unemployment is costing the UK economy up to £21B/year in lost skills
3. 5000 business mentors promised for female entrepreneurs

My thoughts on this are 1) wow, this is refreshing: women seemed to have struggled for so long to get PT work. Of course, when she stays ‘stuck’ this conjurs up grim thoughts of women having to do work that’s beneath them because YES we ARE still struggling to get quality part time work. Or are we? I haven’t made time to read the report from the Government Equalities Office “Quality Part Time Work: A Review of the Evidence” yet – if you have or get there before me, do let me know the answer.

On point 2) I can well believe this. Staggering, staggering. But does every woman with all these skills actually WANT to be using them? Some women really do want to be at home, nurturing their families and actively CHOOSE to do this full time. They don’t want a pathway to the board or even to return at the level they were before children. That said, even just one woman at home banging her head against a Lego brick tower whilst dreaming of work, is too much of a waste for me. I think we need to get better at putting ourselves forward as well as looking to the Government to provide incentives to businesses to help more women get back to work.

3) Hmmm, mentors can be powerful but really I’d rather the Government chopped a huge part of my childcare bill to allow me to get on and grow my business. Perhaps that’s because I’ve grown a great circle of support around me.

What do you think? What do you want the Government to open it’s purse for?

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